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Building emotional intelligence in Adolescence is a time of rapid physical and emotional change. Young people are moving from childhood to adulthood. They begin to explore the possibilities of adulthood without the responsibilities. It is also a time of sexual exploration and maturation. Many adolescents become preoccupied by external appearances and are as a consequence self-conscious. They are more aware of themselves, and may have greater feelings of anxiety. As adolescents mature they become more capable of formal and abstract thought (i.e. they think about possibilities and hypotheses). This gives us some idea of the development of the average teenager: what then of the development of the teenager with AD/HD (Attention Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder)? Many adolescents with AD/HD are less mature than their peer group. They may have social skills gaps that prevent them interacting with confident ease in their peer group. Some have learning difficulties and may struggle to articulate their thoughts and ideas. They may lack the facility with language that makes teenagers appear “cool”. Many AD/HD teens have scant idea of how to behave in ways that are “cool” and may therefore be rejected by their peer group. Being part of a teenage group requires an understanding of complex interactions at multiple levels. So faced with this reality, what can teenagers and their parents do? The first thing to realize is that some AD/HD teenagers will move through this phase of life with few problems. Ideally parents should begin working on this issue long before adolescence. Young people with difficulties need parental assistance to form and maintain friendships. They need direct teaching and guidance on ways to deal with friendship issues. The help required may be around recognizing the meaning of behaviour or in determining the underlying meaning of words used. The subtext of language becomes very important in adolescence as the ability to “diss” others becomes highly valued. Children with language disabilities will have much difficulty as they lack the quick verbal processing skills required. Probably the most protective factor throughout life is a good self-esteem and parents should continue working on this area (even when their children appear to reject their input). Acknowledge effort rather than praising only achievements. Reinforce when the teenager feels pleased about his/ her efforts. You may not always feel comfortable doing this since so much of the time teenagers make choices at variance with their parents’ value system. Identify the missing skills in your teenager: this may mean they need help with talking to the opposite sex or with managing their angry feelings. Unlike in childhood, parents have limited direct influence on their adolescents. Teenagers may accept input from non-related adults quite readily. No matter how difficult it may be for parents, it is vital parents sustain the relationship with their teenager. Many teenagers feel alone and misunderstood. They feel nobody has had to deal with the same issues they are facing. Much of their negative behaviour is the result of their idiosyncratic belief systems. There is an over-riding sense for teenagers that they are being judged and evaluated by their peer group. Providing a holding environment in which the teenager feels accepted and cared for is helpful. Although your teenager may reject your viewpoints it is vital to give your thoughts and inputs so that they have an alternative to what they get from the peer group. If teenagers are to become emotionally competent they will need opportunities for control over aspects of their lives. This does not mean parents and teachers should adopt a laissez-faire attitude. It does however mean providing opportunities for personal growth and for taking on new challenges. Most teenagers will behave in negative and problematic ways, and may even do things that are very risky. Those teenagers who cope most competently on an emotional level are those who are held accountable and whose parents (and teachers) have clear and firm rules. Teeter (1998) talks about the importance of problem-solving and reasoning to work through issues. Parents who give in too easily raise children without good judgment while rigid parents produce “angry and rebellious” children (Teeter, 1998). Where necessary parents will simply insist on their rule being obeyed but, as far as possible, rules should increasingly be open to negotiation. Young people with AD/HD are at greater risk of difficulty in all phases of their lives. A lack of emotional competence in adolescence makes it more difficult for parents and teachers to work with them. It is imperative we do not give up on these teenagers but that we continue to
Working to build emotional competence in teenagers is a thankless task in the short-term. It is in the long-term that the efforts of parents and teachers will be rewarded. Anita de Caires Wagner |
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