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Dealing with Discipline By Jane
Jarvis WHAT IS DISCIPLINE? “To discipline” means to teach. It is an intervention designed to teach a new behaviour or way of thinking. “To punish” means to penalise, to cause pain, loss or suffering for a wrongdoing, or to treat in a harsh manner. Important points to remember with discipline:
BASIC NEEDS OF ALL HUMAN BEINGS: BELONGING AUTONOMY (independence) The four mistaken goals of behaviour are: 1. Attention: “I belong only when I have your attention.” 2. Power: “I belong only when I’m winning or in charge, or at least when I don’t let you win.” 3. Revenge: “It hurts that I don’t belong, but at least I can hurt back.” 4. Withdrawal: “I give up. It is impossible to belong.” STAGES OF MORAL DEVELOPMENT A psychologist called Lawrence Kohlberg described seven stages of moral development, which he organised into three levels:
Stages one and two are at the premoral level of development. The central theme at this level is obedience and avoidance of negative consequences. The primary motivation is reward or some benefit. Stages three and four are at the conventional level of moral development. During stage three, the central motivation is to avoid the disapproval of others. At this stage the individual distinguishes disapproval from fear of negative consequences. By stage four, honour becomes the overriding concern. A person does something because it is the honourable thing to do rather than because of fear of negative consequences or disapproval. The final three stages of moral development involve the postconventional level of morality. All are based on reason rather than emotions and feelings. Many individuals, however, never reach these stages of development, even as adults. The ages that are assigned to each of the levels provide a rough guideline as to when we can expect people to behave in certain ways. However, these stages and the ages do not hold true for every individual because, as already mentioned, some people never actually reach the higher stages. It is our job as parents to try and guide our children to the next stage of development and not to expect moral judgements from them that they are incapable of making at that age. WHAT TO DO Beware of what works! Punishment does “work” in that it usually stops the misbehaviour immediately. But don’t be fooled, the long-term results of punishment are usually negative. Punishment usually leads to one of the four Rs: 1. Resentment: This is unfair. I can’t trust adults. 2. Revenge: They are winning now but I will get even. 3. Rebellion: I’ll do it just the opposite to prove that I don’t have to do it their way.
4. Retreat PROVIDE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT (I CARE) I Interrupt Move people or objects. Send child off in different direction. Make use of code words. C Cool Off Positive time out. Send child to a quiet, relaxing or calming place. Encourage them to write down their concerns or simply lie on their bed and calm down. Use time to release anger (Remember rule: You may not hurt anyone or break anything when angry). Use this time to gather your own composure. A Affirm Convey empathy for your child’s feelings. 1. Listening (“Tell me more about how you feel.”) 2. Understanding (“I understand how you feel.”) 3. Accepting (“I accept your feelings as real and valid from your point of view.”) 4. Identifying (“I would feel that way too.”) 5. Caring (“I wish you happiness and don’t want you to have this painful feeling.”) 6. Desire to help (“How can I help you so that you will feel better?”) 7. Universal empathy statement “This is a hard time for you, isn’t it?” R Redirect Steer child in a new direction. “Fun Ideas” list is often useful here. Usually best to redirect only after the next step (Educate). E Educate Explain in simple terms the domino effects of misbehaviour as well as the natural consequences. Try to identify the needs that your child is trying to meet through the behaviour and then teach more appropriate ways of meeting these needs. Use problem-solving approach. (Child needs to generate two or three options before acting. Encourage a STOP – THINK – ACT approach.) Also teach child to make reparation for behaviour (Sometimes saying sorry is enough!) Then redirect (see above.) NATURAL and LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES A natural consequence is anything that happens naturally, with no adult interference. No piggy-backing allowed. Empathy is encouraged. However, there are times when natural consequences are not practical:
A logical consequence requires the intervention of an adult who needs to decide what kind of consequence would create a helpful learning experience. Logical consequences are most effective when your learners have been involved, in advance, in deciding what consequences would be most conducive to help them learn. In order to ensure that your logical consequence is in fact a logical consequence and not a punishment you need to remember the Three R’s of Logical Consequences. The Three R’s are: 1. Related (the consequence must be related to the behaviour) 2. Respectful (the consequence must not involve blame, shame or pain and should be respectfully enforced) 3. Reasonable (the consequence must not include piggy-backing and must be reasonable from the child’s point of view as well as the adult’s) BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION Star charts work well with children with attention difficulties. Target one (maximum two) behaviours at a time. Be very specific about what behaviour is being targeted (e.g. “Brushing teeth after breakfast without being reminded” or “Sitting down to do homework without arguing and after being asked only once”). You cannot have things such as “being good” (too subjective and vague) or “getting ready in the mornings” (involves too many steps and therefore too difficult) on the charts. Demand 100% compliance or no star. (Children quickly learn to manipulate these charts if you do not do this.) Rewards must be negotiated upfront. First reward needs to be received after 5 stars (10 is too long to wait.) Slightly bigger reward can be given at 10 stars and then another reward after 20 stars. The star chart concept also works well with older children although they do not want an actual chart displayed on the kitchen fridge! If the reward suits the child then they will work for it (e.g. “If you sit down and do your homework everyday this week without any arguments, I will top up the airtime on your cell phone.) |
Jane Jarvis Jane initially trained as a primary school teacher. Before starting her teaching career, she completed an Honours degree in Psychology at the University of Port Elizabeth. Jane taught a variety of subjects to learners from grades 5-7. Many of her learners came from township environments so she was exposed to the difficulties of teaching second language speakers. In 1998 Jane enrolled for a Masters degree in Educational Psychology at Wits. She then worked as an intern psychologist at Delta Park Remedial School for a year. Jane was employed by St. George's Home as an educational consultant where she established the St. George’s Therapy and Care Centre. She is currently in private practice and specialises in ADHD and Learning Difficulties. Jane has also been involved in extensive parent and teacher training.
LINKS
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Workshop
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